I figured I should update. So folks I'm still alive. Just moving into tech week for Miss Saigon. Resumes will be printed in the next few days and distibuted soon. I'm currently really broke and waiting for a cheque that is really needed. Love life is pretty much just random date life. I've been seeing a few casually, none seriously and definitely none sexually. lol. I've started Wing Chun which is a branch of Kung Fu. Well that's about it.
Well Cody and Klaus both got jobs outside of Kelowna so pretty soon I'm gonna be flyin' solo out here. Cody is off to Montreal and Klaus is off to Vancouver. Which means both of their jobs are open. So I have the options of going for either of their jobs or keep going on the path to taking the post of TD at the Kelowna Actors Studio. Decisions, decisions. Well I guess I'll apply for all of them and see what comes out of it.
So I've decided that blowing stuff up is awesome. Lisa, Robin, Cody, Tim and I went up a mountain and blew stuff up.
This morning we had our first production meeting for Miss Saigon. Looks like it's going to be alot of fun. The set is really cool, and i get paid by the hour to build it which will be an absolute first :) Thumbs up for awesome technical work.
If it's several miles to sundown
and your car just eats the road
carry on to the next town
try to lighten your load.
If your wheels keep spinning
finding truth in the night
then tonight could be the perfect moment
to watch yourself take flight
Could you tell me where the sky will see me next?
Could it take me to the place that I love best?
It's only several miles to somewhere but I haven't found it yet.
It's only several miles to somewhere but I haven't been there yet.
There's a very concious reason
if you awake to find me gone
I'm on an escapes to awareness
you'll find I'm not the only one.
And if it's only several miles
to a place I can call home
then the road could fade in my rear-view
while I carry on alone
Could you tell me where the sky will see me next?
Could it take me to the place that I love best?
It's only several miles to somewhere but I haven't found it yet.
It's only several miles to somewhere but I haven't been there yet.
08/12/2004
I wrote this song 3 years ago and it finally applies. I wrote it when I wasn't even a driver yet. Kinda funny. It's one of the songs that has never left my repertoire over the years because it just felt perfect when it came out. I think I'll be singing it all the way to K-town. I'll miss everybody so badly for the first few months. But we will adjust and life will return to normal as we move down our respective paths. I've never felt as at home as I have since finding what I love to do here in Nanaimo. When I moved here I had never even seen a play let alone thought about performing or backstage work. Six years later and I am a completelly different person from the 15 year old me.
I really wish human beings had the ability to evolve into super-beings. I've been watching the first season of Heroes and I love it.
My name is Jordan Davies and I want to be a super hero. There are so many attractions to the idea of extraordinary powers.
I bought a laptop. Well not really, I financed a laptop which is the modern equivalent of buying a laptop. You ever get the feeling that you're heading towards a crisis but unable to stop yourself? Like a car with no brakes. I hope everything balances out economically over the next year. I don't want to get in over my head thinking I'll be making more than I actually will. I guess I'm scared because I've never had an opportunity to be financially independant. I've always had roommates to share the bills or family members to help me out. Being totally self -reliant is an imposing step. One that I both relish and dread. This is not to say I'm unconfident with the direction I'm moving in, just that it is new and sometimes a little daunting. I can move forward through the knowledge that I feel fully prepared to be strong enough to handle whatever life throws my way and I know I have the drive required to succeed.
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Do you ever realize how much love is like a superpower? You feel bigger stronger like life is yours for the taking. I miss it. But when you begin to rely on yourself and step past needing somebody else to fulfil you, that's it's own kind of superpower. I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel strong again just as me. You can't be a real friend if you can't see the friend worth having in yourself. I think I see that person in myself again. I got caught up in myself as a character this year instead of myself as a person. I think I tried so hard to be what everybody wanted from me and what everyone expected that I stopped being what I expected. I got caught playing life as a game and thinking just because I can only know what I see from my own eyes as the truth. The truth is different for everybody. Robin said it best when he told me that all we have is perception and it is how we are perceived that is going to make the difference in every portion of our lives. I took a good look at what I thought I was and how that may be perceived and when the two didn't match up it was time for some change. Time to take a step back and look at how others look at me. How to not just appear strong and confident but to actually be it. Peception in balance with reality.
If You Leave I Won't Cry, I Won't Waste A Single Day
I've decided to dub the next few weeks as "riding it out." That's what this feels like. I'm just tying up all the loose ends I can before I leave, trying to see as many people as I can. I'm going to be the ASM for Miss Saigon which is totally cool. I also get to be ATD for the show as well. Cody has me pretty crazily booked right up until Christmas so I don't have to worry about lack of work. I'm still trying to absorb that this is really happening. I expected to have to starve my way through a few years before I could devote myself full-time to technical work. This is just so amazing, I can't stop smiling knowing that the end of the tough times might just be at an end. I can finally start my real life, get myself set up comfortably. I'm going to invest a good portion of my money because I really want to be able to live comfortably. My plan is to buy a condo by the time I'm thirty. Preferably a loft, because I love open floor plans. Here we go....ridin' it out.
And all they showed you was the back of their eyes,
all that they told you were beautiful lies.
I've figured out a lot about people. People over use the word "friend". Somebody said to me that I'd be leaving behind my friends when I go. But I've realized that there are friends, and there are the people I've been spending obligatory time with on a school based level. I'm sorry but I consider very few of you my friends. I've come to the conclusion that the majority of people are only concerned with one thing and that's self-gratification. There are about three people who actually give a shit about me on a level that is beyond themselves feeling good about saying it. It's easy to say "I've got your back" but a lot of that is just posturing. 95 percent of people would leave me out to dry if it benefited them in some way. Some of those I thought were closest to me already have. When you betray someone who is supposedly your friend there is absolutely no room for you in the friends category anymore. I know I have support but those people know who they are already. I know that if all else fails they would do whatever it took to make sure I was OK and that I would return the favour. I'm tired of lip service friendships. I'm tired of illusionary connections with people. I wish people would be straight up and show the truth that they would step right over me if they saw a benefit to their own state of mind. I'm fine with that. Just don't go making yourself feel better with untrue statements about how you really care how I feel. The truth is you would do it again because you see things you want and be damned who gets hurt in the process. My advice is to stop pretending that there are no feelings being hurt by the way we've been living our lives. Stop burying all emotion under the pretense of some specific system of understanding. People are being hurt and then they feel bad because the system we've developed doesn't allow for that. You'll hear phrases like "get over it" or "being all emo" or even "taking it too hard". Well so what if somebody is actually emotionally invested in something and then they get hurt. Isn't that allowed? Aren't people allowed to feel things? Wow.
They built you up with their shining words,
but they broke you down with their actions.
So I've decided to move to Kelowna and take a job working on call for the Kelowna Community Theatre and Rotary Center. I am also considering taking over the job of TD for the BC Summer Games if the current one goes through with giving it up. Robin says he'll help show me the ropes and get me started which is awesome. Nanaimo is just simply not where I want to be anymore. I'm living at home again and my car is smashed and I don't see any hope for a love life right now. So all I really have is my work. I think a move would re-energize me and give me a fresh outlook on life. I've grown tired of this place and I feel trapped. I need to break away from this space I've been living in. There is nothing to keep me here anymore. So I think I'll leave.
I am letting go of all of this. I let things get way out of hand and said some things I really didn't mean over the last little while. It's amazing what you will say to someone in a text message or on MSN that you would never be able to say to their face. There is no emotion in a text based arena. You're throwing punches at a wall and getting nothing but broken fingers in return. I'm sorry for the things I've said. There's no excuse for being so abrasive.
In other news Devin officially DJed the entire night tonight at 70 below and kicked fucking ass. The dance floor was packed all night long. The people were rallying to the sound of a new DJ force in town. I'm so proud of you dude. That's how to take your opportunity and own it.
I am self-centered
I am a liar
I am a braggart
I am a cheater
I am a bad son
I am a lazy person
I am what you hate
I am in denial
I take liberties with people
I have a large inflated ego
I have too much to say about my own accomplshments
I am afraid of what you think about me
I am afraid I am not good enough for you
I lie about my past to seem cooler
I really don't care
I am living for myself
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I am trying to change
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I am loyal
I am thoughtful
I am generous
I am hard-working
I am driven
I am charismatic
I am a good leader
I am trustworthy
I am philosophical
I am reliable
I am solid
I am dependable
I am responsible
I am afraid to ruin your good opinion of me
I will push myself to the limit to succeed
Take your pick. We all have these two sides. Good/Bad. We all have them and we pick and we choose from both sides. I know my faults. My faults can also be my strengths. My faults have kept me from hurt and heartache and having to feel inadequate. I am inadequate. I am ready to admit my mistakes, but I am also willing to admit my successes. I will not crumble. I will not break. Your opinion of me does matter and I would like to make it a positive one. Those of you who like me, what am I? Those of you who don't, what am I? Challenge: Tell me something that I don't know about myself.
This my friends is perception. And perception is all we have in the world. So when you look at me what do you choose to see? List A, or List B? Could you forgive the A? Could you live without the B? Could you take a look at all of me and forgive me for my faults and let me help you with my strengths? Because if you want a relationship. A real relationship. You have got to take those faults and find in them the weakness that could be strength. You have to fill in the gaps that your loved one cannot fill themselves. This is why we have friends. This is why we have family. This is why we have significant others. We are looking to find the people who will take our weaknesses and turn them into strengths. So I say, don't take the person who is insecure and ostracize them. Instead why don't you try for even a moment to make them feel secure. If you succeed. You won't even need to see the faults because they will never be shown to you. Make them feel secure and you will have found someone to die for you, someone to come talk to you at 4 am when you've had a hard day. Give people a reason to be your friend. If I am an asshole in your books, you do not make me feel secure. If I am your loyal compatriate who you admire, you have filled in the gaps inside me. So thank you those who are even now filling in the gaps. My insecurity is fading and list A is growing shorter. If you haven't noticed by now, maybe you're listening to the wrong people.
Woah Drama. Wow I found myself in all kinds of it last night. Weird. Gonna try and keep my head clear for the next little while, that was rediculous. I've found things can escalate while you are away from them and then they come back to you and they've been built up and blown way out of proportion. The situation now bears no resemblance to the one which gave it birth and all you have left is damage control. It must be some piece of the human perogative to give things more weight than they sctually deserve. maybe we all need to take a step back from what our mind is saying sometimes and wonder if that information is reliable or simply a creation of our own imaginations. Yeah, some stuff happened and some stuff got blown up, but in the grand scheme of things were those issues so important as to merit those over-the-top reactions? I really don't think so. I lost alot of respect for one of my friends last night. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him for what he did. I know that there are pains and jealousies that can often times cloud our vision but there comes a time when you have to make the decision between following your first impulse and checking your self to do what is right. One of my friends checked himself last night, one did not. I have gained respect for one and lost it for another. The onus of control cannot be passed off on the substance. You are responsible for your actions no matter your condition. I connected with somebody last night that I had wanted to for quite some time. I don't know if anything will come of it, that's not what I did it for. I just don't want to ask myself "What if?". So therefore things had to be said that needed out. I'm not holding out for anything other than a friend. But having her as a closer friend would be better than never saying anything. I'm not holding out for anything. I have no unrealistic expectations. I just want to bring some sun back into my life, and I think she might be able to help. Maybe help me shed some of the darkness I've been living in. It made me happy to think of the future and not see a hole that needs filling but rather a space that says "Who knows?" Tomorrow will be ever different from today and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks for making me smile kiddo.
1. No Cannibus
2. Only one or two drinks per evening, buzzed is okay but piss-tanked is out
3. Do something productive everyday
4. Don't let anyone else run your life, you are the Captain of this ship
5. Don't let what is easy interfere with what is right.
6. Find the people you can trust and keep them close to you
7. Maintain a relationship with your family, don't let them be taken for granted
8. Find a moment everyday to be still and think about the direction your life is taking
9. Look for the beauty in others that you may not see at first glance. Don't be overly judgemental.
10. Laugh, Laugh, Laugh
11. Remind yourself to be "Positive and Flexible"
12. Every weekend, clean your room and do chores around the house
13. Recognize that your state of mind is changeable, don't get caught up in negative thinking.
These are the rules for only one person. Me. They may not be your rules, they aren't designed to be. I am going to be sucessful, dynamic, and I want to shine. I'm building myself a ladder, and I'm starting to climb.
Can't stop this, it's pervading and antagonizing.
Underneath my skin sinks every drop of dissapointment
and I'll wait, and wait, and wait, every second feels like less
and the water falls again and reminds me why it rains
so that even that which may seem dead,
will one day live again.
Call it a conspiracy, a tangled web of lies, but tonight I'm building a tower up from the bottom of this well I've been drowning in. You might not recognize the truth until it's splashed across your eyes, so tonight I'm building up a resistance to your disease. You are not the answer to all my problems, you are not my dream come true, so tonight I'm building up a resistance to convince me you're a lie. I'm building this tonight, and I'm going to try to let you go. If I can just build this wall high enough that you won't see me.
It's not just what you say. It's how you live, how you breathe, and how your heart beats away the seconds. Love is full contact. Love is hard work. If you can let go of it and let it fly away from you...it's not love. I'm so tired of trying to be okay. I'm sick of putting on a brave face and forcing the smiles. I am broken. I feel like I just started falling and haven't stopped and the farther I go I just keep wishing I'd hit the ground so I could start the climb again. Because Love isn't something that you can turn off, it's something impossible to just ignore and if you ever find real love I hope it's really true. But be careful because some people will take insecurity and dress it up as love. And some will sell you love but then want it back. So if you put your whole heart in somebody's hands, take care. You may just never get it back. Love is perfection of emotion, and complete devastation. I am not okay. I am not alright. And I don't want to be. Because that just wouldn't be love.
No Way November Will See Our Goodbye
When It Comes To December It's Obvious Why
No One Wants To Be Alone At Christmas Time.
And Come January We'll Be Frozen In Time
Making New Resolutions A Hundred Times
February..."Won't You Be My Valentine?"
So We'll Both Be Safe Til St. Patricks Day.
What happened last night? The sky came crashing down, and brought with it this feeling of utter and complete void. I don't understand, everything was going so well. Even days before. Even hours before. And yet now I can't touch where I once found comfort. And now I can't say what is still singing so loudly in my heart. And I sit here and wait for you to give me the okay that we can speak to each other, and once again my phone lies silently. I don't want this to end. Are you afraid? How could you just tell me something like that and leave me there to cry while you escaped off because you couldn't handle the pressure of what you were saying? Do I deserve this for all that I have laid on the line? I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I hope this is not goodbye.
And if our "always" was all that we gave
and someday, she'd take that away
I'd be alright, if it was just for St. Patricks Day
Just a step or two past utter and complete panic I've begun to take a look at the benefits this change will make in my life. I have decided to take the necessary steps towards adulthood with care and firm standing. This is of course related to my move in less than two weeks. My rent will, for lack of a better word, skyrocket by an astounding 300%. In preparation for this calamity of economic and budgetary proportions I have undertaken a "spend nothing" policy for the next two months until school is over. This will be very difficult for the consumer I have become, but I can only look at this as a golden opportunity to develop a more sustainable lifestyle and habits for the future. I have decided to keep my beater car despite my father's offer to cosign on a loan for me. That would put me in a better vehicle, it is true, but it would also increase my monthly budget by more than I would care to spend. Driving the beater will allow me to take the jobs that I really want to work this summer. It will allow me to stay out of my house and work for the living I want to make for myself. And it will keep me from becoming a mover again. This is going to be the most difficult portion of my life to date but I will overcome and face it with my eyes open and my beack ready to take the weight. I have made the decision to not let this become the event that ruins my life but the one that allows me to focus on my own goals for my future. I am going for it. To hell with whoever gets in my way.
I'm just trying to make my way. Just pushing for the things I believe. Just stepping over cracks and crevices to avoid pitfalls. But the pitfalls keep happening and the best laid plans keep falling through and I begin to wonder if there might be an easier way. Is there an easier way to live this. Am I doing things right? Am I setting myself up for the biggest pitfall of all? This cannot be derailed, I won't let it. But does it ever feel like you've had just a few too many things not go your way? Just a step over the line of how much stress you can handle? I went over that line in the past couple weeks. I am seriously stressed. I am losing my mind with stress. I need a car so i can get a summer job that I want. I need to get rid of my old car. I need to issue a writ against the guy who wrecked my car. I need to find somewhere to live until the proper living conditions that I want come along. I need money for Coachella. I need to figure out what to do for Valentines. I need to eat. I need to sleep. I need to relax..but I can't. I just can't relax.
I don't like that I have no appreciation for some people. I seem to have lost my ability to see the good sides of some of my friends and all their faults just overwhelm the good parts. This is the vast minority of people I know, but yeah it's there. I just wish that some people would stop treating their youth as a cop out. Excuses like "I'm only young once" don't work out because I'm afraid that some of the absolutely stupid things I see people doing are going to one day ruin their lives. If there is anything I want for my friends it's success. But I see some people around me who are living in a fantasy of competence. It's like they expect that one of these days all their dreams will come true and they don't have to work for them. You people kill me. The greatest challenge you will ever face is to be honest with yourself. Stop living in a fantasy world and take a look at reality. You are dooming yourself to a life outside your dreams if you continue with your present outlook. If you get mad at me for being honest with you then you are really just getting mad at the fact you don't know how to fix the problem. Stop getting angry at people when they try to help you. Pretty soon everyone will just stop trying.
In other news I am still trying to figure out where the hell to live. I may just end up storing my stuff and couch surfing if I can't find a place. Shitty deal.
Martha I love you. You are the best thing in my life and I am so thankful for all the happiness you have brought me. You make my world spectacular.
