Cannonball
This is not meant to be taken as anything but some mild introspection. I'm learning to take a step back and look at my actions from the outside and how they affect those around me. I'm doing my best. I hope you guys have started to notice at least a little difference when hanging around me. I think I finally realize what kind of people I want to surround myself with and unfortunately for some this will mean that I will be civil and friendly but not intimate. I need to be able to trust those who are closest to me so therefore I believe your friends should have earned your respect to the point where you can trust them above all. I'm tired of being a destructive influence on myself and I finally realized at Alleah's party that who I want to be is not the guy I have been. Thank you to those of you who didn't question my moments of solemnity at the party but accepted and talked with me you have taken giant steps up in my respect. If you're at a party going around and giving people a hard time because they appear to not to be having as good a time as you think you are having I think you are missing something. My entertainment and enjoyment is not your resposibility. I get more annoyed when I'm out just kinda hanging out but not being wild and crazy and people rag on me for my personality. I'm not a raging partier. I'm more of a quiet, contemplative observer whether drunk or sober and I hope people can accept that. The other night at the 70 below I was basically attacked for my drink choices and the fact that I wasn't being loopy and drunk. I got this comment "What are you like 70 years old?". Why does "enjoying our youth" have to mean getting blasted and acting like complete morons? I've been there and done that and it never gained me any sort of real emotional connection with those around me. I guess what I'm really looking for is a real love. A love that will feel so natural that I can just relax and silently bask in it while giving equally back. I'm tired of games. Games don't get anybody anywhere, just back here where I've been for way too long. I guess I didn't need another kind of green.
"It's not hard to fall when you float like a cannonball."
~Damien Rice
7 comments:
ah, the story of my life... or birthday party.
why does 20 have to be so confusing!?
ah interesting stuff there jordan... made me think.
and yes, i noticed a slight difference with you at the party, I figured living out on your own with your best buds did it.
ah now your blog has given me something to think about at work today while I clean.
It was nice seeing you at the party. I'm glad that within my (our?) groups of people theres not always a pressure to drink. I mean, yeah, most of us do at times, but not all the time, and we all have fun even when we're not drinking...
I wish I could say I've noticed a change, but I dont think that I know you well enough to tell the difference :P
However, having been through some introspection, and the effort to change that often goes along with that lately. I can appreciate that when you try to encourage and facilitate change, it is SO not as easy as you would expect. Its like sure, a habit there, biting my tongue when I would usually speak, not so easy though :S. Anyways, I applaud your effort.
(PS. I feel a little alienated from you... and thats not really normal for me. add me to your MSN so I can say hi once in a while :) It'll just make me feel less uneasy. please?)
I'm really curious about who the third chapter in your little drama-saga is. You know what I mean!
ummmm no I don't.
long time coming. Glad to hear it though... :)
I'm the opposite, I don't need to get blasted in order to act like a complete moron. It just comes naturally.
Man! I go through those moments of "mild introspection" once every couple months at least!
For a while I feel all high and mighty and creative, like I could do no wrong, and then all of a sudden I feel like an alien (a creepy, slimy, scaly one at that!) on another planet and nothing makes sense and I absolutely cannot stand hearing myself play and I just want to give up and crawl under a rock! A few of my teachers have told me that creative people must endure moments of non-creativity or even destruction! And it's not a morbid thing to say it's just the other side of the coin per se: Good - Evil, Dark - Light, Creativity - Destruction.
Perhaps this is related to what you're talking about but then again I have probably missed the boat on this topic altogether. Oh well I'm going to publish this anyways. Regardless, I hope all is well!
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