The Mean Little Center Of The Universe

Can't stop this, it's pervading and antagonizing.
Underneath my skin sinks every drop of dissapointment
and I'll wait, and wait, and wait, every second feels like less
and the water falls again and reminds me why it rains
so that even that which may seem dead,
will one day live again.

I'm Building This Tonight

Call it a conspiracy, a tangled web of lies, but tonight I'm building a tower up from the bottom of this well I've been drowning in. You might not recognize the truth until it's splashed across your eyes, so tonight I'm building up a resistance to your disease. You are not the answer to all my problems, you are not my dream come true, so tonight I'm building up a resistance to convince me you're a lie. I'm building this tonight, and I'm going to try to let you go. If I can just build this wall high enough that you won't see me.

Love Is...

It's not just what you say. It's how you live, how you breathe, and how your heart beats away the seconds. Love is full contact. Love is hard work. If you can let go of it and let it fly away from you...it's not love. I'm so tired of trying to be okay. I'm sick of putting on a brave face and forcing the smiles. I am broken. I feel like I just started falling and haven't stopped and the farther I go I just keep wishing I'd hit the ground so I could start the climb again. Because Love isn't something that you can turn off, it's something impossible to just ignore and if you ever find real love I hope it's really true. But be careful because some people will take insecurity and dress it up as love. And some will sell you love but then want it back. So if you put your whole heart in somebody's hands, take care. You may just never get it back. Love is perfection of emotion, and complete devastation. I am not okay. I am not alright. And I don't want to be. Because that just wouldn't be love.

St. Patricks Day

No Way November Will See Our Goodbye
When It Comes To December It's Obvious Why
No One Wants To Be Alone At Christmas Time.
And Come January We'll Be Frozen In Time
Making New Resolutions A Hundred Times
February..."Won't You Be My Valentine?"

So We'll Both Be Safe Til St. Patricks Day.

What happened last night? The sky came crashing down, and brought with it this feeling of utter and complete void. I don't understand, everything was going so well. Even days before. Even hours before. And yet now I can't touch where I once found comfort. And now I can't say what is still singing so loudly in my heart. And I sit here and wait for you to give me the okay that we can speak to each other, and once again my phone lies silently. I don't want this to end. Are you afraid? How could you just tell me something like that and leave me there to cry while you escaped off because you couldn't handle the pressure of what you were saying? Do I deserve this for all that I have laid on the line? I just don't get it. Maybe I never will. I hope this is not goodbye.

And if our "always" was all that we gave
and someday, she'd take that away
I'd be alright, if it was just for St. Patricks Day

You're An Exception To The Rule, You're A Bonafide Rarity

Just a step or two past utter and complete panic I've begun to take a look at the benefits this change will make in my life. I have decided to take the necessary steps towards adulthood with care and firm standing. This is of course related to my move in less than two weeks. My rent will, for lack of a better word, skyrocket by an astounding 300%. In preparation for this calamity of economic and budgetary proportions I have undertaken a "spend nothing" policy for the next two months until school is over. This will be very difficult for the consumer I have become, but I can only look at this as a golden opportunity to develop a more sustainable lifestyle and habits for the future. I have decided to keep my beater car despite my father's offer to cosign on a loan for me. That would put me in a better vehicle, it is true, but it would also increase my monthly budget by more than I would care to spend. Driving the beater will allow me to take the jobs that I really want to work this summer. It will allow me to stay out of my house and work for the living I want to make for myself. And it will keep me from becoming a mover again. This is going to be the most difficult portion of my life to date but I will overcome and face it with my eyes open and my beack ready to take the weight. I have made the decision to not let this become the event that ruins my life but the one that allows me to focus on my own goals for my future. I am going for it. To hell with whoever gets in my way.

They've Got Methods Of Keeping You Clean

I'm just trying to make my way. Just pushing for the things I believe. Just stepping over cracks and crevices to avoid pitfalls. But the pitfalls keep happening and the best laid plans keep falling through and I begin to wonder if there might be an easier way. Is there an easier way to live this. Am I doing things right? Am I setting myself up for the biggest pitfall of all? This cannot be derailed, I won't let it. But does it ever feel like you've had just a few too many things not go your way? Just a step over the line of how much stress you can handle? I went over that line in the past couple weeks. I am seriously stressed. I am losing my mind with stress. I need a car so i can get a summer job that I want. I need to get rid of my old car. I need to issue a writ against the guy who wrecked my car. I need to find somewhere to live until the proper living conditions that I want come along. I need money for Coachella. I need to figure out what to do for Valentines. I need to eat. I need to sleep. I need to relax..but I can't. I just can't relax.

When Nothing Turned Into Everything

I don't like that I have no appreciation for some people. I seem to have lost my ability to see the good sides of some of my friends and all their faults just overwhelm the good parts. This is the vast minority of people I know, but yeah it's there. I just wish that some people would stop treating their youth as a cop out. Excuses like "I'm only young once" don't work out because I'm afraid that some of the absolutely stupid things I see people doing are going to one day ruin their lives. If there is anything I want for my friends it's success. But I see some people around me who are living in a fantasy of competence. It's like they expect that one of these days all their dreams will come true and they don't have to work for them. You people kill me. The greatest challenge you will ever face is to be honest with yourself. Stop living in a fantasy world and take a look at reality. You are dooming yourself to a life outside your dreams if you continue with your present outlook. If you get mad at me for being honest with you then you are really just getting mad at the fact you don't know how to fix the problem. Stop getting angry at people when they try to help you. Pretty soon everyone will just stop trying.

In other news I am still trying to figure out where the hell to live. I may just end up storing my stuff and couch surfing if I can't find a place. Shitty deal.

Martha I love you. You are the best thing in my life and I am so thankful for all the happiness you have brought me. You make my world spectacular.

In time

In time you will discover that you are not who you think. In this moment you will re-evaluate, re-assess, re-organize everything you believe you are. And the person walking away will bear very small resemlance to the form that gave it birth. So fogive who I was today, I'll have shifted by the morning. Into a different, and more complex prism of a person. Could you feel yourself change? Tonight? Tomorrow? Now? So in essence all you will be is evanescent and ever shifting diaphinous fog of a person. Infinite shapes at your disposal, you bend and contort your spectre until you find youself at a place of balance a place of unity. So for tonight I'll strive for balance and shift myself some weight. For tomorrow I'll wake better for the change.

I Only Feel Alright When The Fear Is Flashing, Bombs Going Off In My Head

In tracing the contours of your eyes I've given myself over to many minutes. And in the final exam of this study I'd like to be able to recall them at will in my mind. So I'll trace them, erase them, then redraw, replace, and recall. Until my sleep is haunted by your iris' blue and grey, your perfect stare.
_____________________________________________________________
I miss you tonight, which is kinda sad because I saw you only yesterday. I guess after a long day all I wanted was the sheer comfort of your arms. I've never been this painfully in love... the butterflies have never gone away. I'm pleasantly surprised...yet not surprised at the same time. I knew we'd be good together. Just not this good. This is just so damn good.
_____________________________________________________________
sorry to everyone else who had to read that :p

I've Always Believed in Futures

In an average house, on an average street, in and average neighbourhood of an average town. Mr. and Mrs. Past-Present live with their average sized dog named Time. Now Mr. Jimmy Past and Miss. Nancy Present met in College and fell for each other. Literally, they tripped over each other on the stairs one day. Now Nancy liked Jimmy because of his old fashion values and his utter fearlessness when it came to commitment. Jimmy, on the other hand liked Nancy because she was wild and carefree, and every once in a while she would get drunk at a party and kiss her female friends. Now Jimmy, of course, disapproved of this on a biblical and moral level, but in a small room deep deep inside Jimmy's mind he found it strangely fascinating and even exciting. Jimmy and Nancy kept on through failed classes, pub crawls, and associates degrees until finally Jimmy proposed to Nancy in a way that was at once beautifully traditional and severely mundane. Now Nancy was an impulsive girl and seeing as there was to her thinking "no time like the present", she stuffed a stammering Jimmy into the passenger seat of her cherry red MGB and drove 9 hours through the night to Vegas. It was a beautiful ceremony presided over by a former porn star turned priest in gold sequins robes.
Sooner or later Nancy and Jimmy decided it was time to create a little Future of their very own. But neither could quite imagine what the Future would look like. Nancy postulated that the Future would just have to look like her but slightly more futurific. And Jimmy didn't believe that a Future could even exist that would come close to the glories of all those that had come before. Both came to the realisation that in order to embrace this new Future they we're going to have to become students of the future. Cue the mid-life crisis. Nancy began frantically cleaning the house and redecorating both spare rooms into nurseries. One blue, and one pink, just in case. Jimmy however decided to focus all his efforts into what he considered to be the very wave of the Future. Investing. He bought stocks in Gold, he bought stocks in Coal, he bought up the world supply of Tylenol, and half the stocks of Geritol. He maxed out every credit card and took out lines of credit. he re-mortgaged the house in a failed attempt to "get-it".
And in the end when the Future came they saw it wasn't so very different. It was a Future made of equal parts, of both Past and Present. As it opened it's eyes and looked at them and they stared into the Future, they both cried as they were both reborn, in this gift they called a Future.

For The First Time

I guess I should explain my last post. It feels good when I just let a stream of conciouness take over my writing. I just wanted to write something, anything, that would not be a "here's what I did today" post. This blog is called Pre-Fader Listen for a reason. On a sound board a PFL lets you listen to something before it comes out of the main speakers. So in this blog you'll get things that happen in my head but don't come out of my mouth. This blog is the PFL on my mind. So what you get may not even be how I am feeling it may just be something I needed to write...or just the need to write anything at all. I respect writing in the way that you can put something down and people can look at it and interpret it and develop feelings about it in their own mind. The last blog was meant to do that; to say "what if" to a worst case scenario. I'm not saying I believe in all that stuff happening, but I think if the right set of circumstances happened that could be the future of the human race. If you feel strongly about never letting yourself become that, I was successful in my plan. So from here on you may find articles or theories that you may read and question whether or not I actually believe the stuff that I am writing and the answer will always be yes in some way. Because I believe that words can say things that facts cannot sometimes and I am going to try to use them to turn this bog into a creative outlet for myself. Hope you enjoy the strange thoughts that are my mind.

To Obtain A Bird's Eye, Is To Turn A Blizzard To Breeze

In time this will be known as "the good years" or "the colossal waste". We waste our time chasing frivalities while our dreams go un-lived or goals go unachieved, our world is reduced in size to the most narrow of circles. And as we flitter away our time we keep telling ourselves that "it's the journey not the destination that matters". So we'll toss our love away at the slightest hint of affection. We'll throw our bodies into substance and excess to prove we're "living life to the fullest". We are generation now. We see our parents growing old and frail and we hate them for it. We are the culture of youth, wrinkles are not wlecome here. You better live fast sweetheart because your time is almost over. We see ourselves as a generaton of artists and scholars. But we will never learn how to fend for our own food, build our own shelter, or fight everyday for survival. In one century we have become the opposite of our fore-fathers. Some think hard work is something that should not be demanded of them. Some think that they should run the joint in their first year on the job. Well wake up kids our lives of prviledge and excess are running tragically short. We are standing near the pinnacle of a babylonian tower just waiting to be struck down for our pride. We are living in the sunday afternoon of the industrial revolution. Pretty soon we won't have to carry 12 hunks of electronics around with us, they will be individually compartmentalised and inserted into our living flesh. We will automate and improve until the human body will no longer need to lift anything heavier than a spoon. We will sit in our luxury until one day we cease to remember a day when we thought for ourselves. A day when our thoughts struck outwards and our bodies followed; and in that stagnant swamp of comfort and mediocrity the human race will be replaced with fat fleshy organisms sucking on tubes. Our limbs will become vestigial; we will cease to be animals but merely brains encapsulated in flesh, basking in the glory of the automatic world we have created. And on that day...we will have failed. We will have surrendered to everything anyone ever told us we wanted. All the things that would make our lives so much "easier". We will fall. We will fail. And we will die.

Check Your Pulse

In the grand scheme of things I think people see me as somebody who has his - for lack of a better word - "shit" together. This could not be farther from the truth. I definitely do not feel that way right now. In fact, I'm scared. I have this big fear that I have lost my new found responsibility from last year. I actually didn't get straight As this semester and it's all because I was lazy. If there's anything I was last year it wasn't lazy. Rather I was slightly crazy but I got my stuff done and took care of myself. This last semester I think I have gotten too involved in the party and not enough in preparing myself for my career to come. All it would have taken to get my straight As would have been a stupid acting journal. How difficult is that? I guess that's my high school self coming out again. The guy who would not do an assignment that he considered pointless or an insult to his intelligence. I am a cocky guy. I won't lie. I consider nothing out of my realm of accomplishment. If I am not so good at something I will become absolutely obsessed with it until I can do it at an above average level. That is how I operate. I think I alienate or intimidate people. There are people that everyone will greet in a physical way whether with a hug or simply a handshake. I am not one of those people. I do get the contact from a few but I guess I'm not a Gregoire who everyone adores and wants to be around. I am not being self-pitying here or even saying that anything should change or that I want it to. I guess it's just that I don't want to leave my life un-analyzed and just continue on as if everything I do is right. I have lived that way before and hurt people close to me and myself. So I guess what I'm getting across is that 2007 will be a year for self improvement and working towards the things I dream about. I can't wait to get working on these one acts. i can't wait to get home. I can't wait to hold my beautiful girlfriend in my arms and tell her I love her without a phone in my hands. I want to get good grades. i want to be a supportive friend. I want to do well at my work. I want to get into better shape. I want to eat better. I want to drink less. I want to smoke less. I want to live my dreams. In short....I want to take over the fucking world....wanna help?

So This Is Christmas...

I'm sitting here in the Vitamin D inducing glow of an anti SADS light that my dad recieved as a gift from his fiancee. I have got to get one of these for myself. In other news the gift haul this year has been quite excellent. My personal favs so far are the Stratocaster belt buckle from Martha and a book by Jose Saramago from my sister. (if anybody cares this guy is the greatest novelist on the planet). So we're sitting around doing crosswords and drinking Irish Cream and coffee. Pretty normal. The turkey prep is going strong in the kitchen. Martha is going to come pay me a visit at some point which is awesome. I need to go to my house and pick up her present because I thought she was going to be up-island today. Hurray!! So all in all I'm really jonesing to play some guitar so I will leave you with this thought.

In our lives there come times when we get to choose to take a leap or to resist change. I'm doing my best to balance the two. There will come a time (very soon I imagine) in which the choice is no longer left to me and I'm going to have to take that leap. What I want to say is how thankful I am for the teachers, friends and family I have around me who have made that eventuality much less frightening, and even exciting. You are the support that allows me to be greater than the sum of my parts. So thank you, Merry Christmas, and know that if you are my friend co-worker or other associate of mine I'm thinking of you today and wishing you all the happiness in the world. You people rock my world everyday.

Something's Missing

Pretty much how I feel right now. I think it's the SADS messing me up again. if I'm not particularily chipper, yeah I don't know why.

"I'd Like That"

pretty much the best description of relationships I've found....ever. Screw You Dr.

Your Ticket Should Say "Urinetown"

So Urinetown at the Belfry was INCREDIBLE!! It was sooo freaking good. The guy who played Bobby had an amazing voice and did a great job. Ross was hilarious too. I had a great time hangin' with Lisa and Ky and Meghan as well. We got a backstage tour of the Theatre from Ross which was very cool. Tech day for Christmas Carol tomorrow, should be fun.

Going Beta

So due to the failing blog's transition to Blogger Beta I have been dragged here as well. Woohoo.

Names...of Doom

Names1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & color of underwear)
Rambo Black
YEAH!!
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Vanilla Oatmeal Raisin.... Yo
3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)J-Dav
Poor, Just poor
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:(fav color and fav animal)
Green Husky
"Oh he's so Husky" *swoons*
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Paul Vancouver
I'm Kylan's Brother..and we both sleep with the same women but neither of us know...duh duh duh
6. YOUR STAR TREK NAME: (1st 3 letters of last name, first 2 letters of first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
Davjogor
HAAT
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
Blue Egg Nog
Oh sexy.
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Edward Graham Walter
9.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle names)
Frederick Joan
10. JEDI NAME (middle name backwards, mom's maiden name backwards)
Luap Erog

Better Mood...Anybody know of anybody who's selling a Jeep?

So yeah, things are going okay. Jill's over hangin' out. I miss Martha alot. I wish I had a car I could take up there. Well I could take mine but I'd rather not. Umm so everyone is doing the "I like..." thing that Trish showed me a couple years ago but I don't think I'm quite up for that right now. Bought a couple of CDs today and a couple yesterday. Picked up...
1. Head Automatica - Popaganda
2. Incubus - Light Grenades
3. Joel Plaskett - LaDeDa
4. Damien Rice - 9

Wrote out my tech resume. It felt good to actually have practical experience and education and to be creating a resume to apply for jobs I actually want rather than the ones I've needed to "get by". I have been feeling very tired lately and I think it has to do with freedom. My car was the one thing that allowed me to be free. It feels like I have taken a giant step backward in my life. I miss Martha so much and I have lost the thing that allowed me to see her on a semi-regular basis. I have lost my control on my schedule and my life. I need it back. I need the freedom back.

I've decided to buy my own PA system this summer and start hiring myself out as a freelance sound guy. I need to have some control. I created a picture today that contains my dreams and wants for the future. I hung it by my bedside so that I can see it every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up. I need to be reminded of where I'm going not just where I am. I love my life right now but i am not satisfied with it. I need to achieve something and I am getting the urges to just go for it.

I'm sorry mama but I'm shining only once
Gotta burn off the drama before I do too much
Cuz I'm only flaring silent trying to follow my fleeting flame
tomorrow could be violent I might never be the same

~No Apologies (I'm Sorry) - Proverbial Ride