Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

So yesterday was very interesting all-around. I got called in for a 5 am shift by work and lazed my way through four hours and then went home and had some nappage on the couch. I got up and started feeling really antzy to do something so me and Matt went downtown to get some coffee. We visited Alex and then went over to Hill's Native Art to talk to Michelle. She showed us the design she's working on for her tattoo and I have to say it's going to be awesome. We went and got coffees and sweets from Perkins and then headed back for more chat time with Michelle. We ventured back home and I started to nap on the couch again.

Finally getting antzy to move again I called Kylan up and headed to Parksville to go play some video games with Ky, Jeremy, Mike, Trevor and Karah. It was cool. We played Mario soccer for Game Cube which I have to say is one of the most entertaining games I have played in a long time. I developed the enforcer role which was to never play the ball but just go around creaming all the other teams players and making it so they couldn't get near our player with the ball. It was good fun.

Umm after that we drove back to Nanaimo so Ky could return his tux to Moores which was closed due to it being Sunday. So we went to Boston Pizza and had dinner and then went and saw an utterly vacuous teen comedy called John Tucker Must Die. It was supremely shitty. The funniest parts were listening to the reactions of the twinks in the audience.

After the movie I sped home but drove right by cuz my mind was going about ten million miles an hour so I kept going and drove down to Departure Bay and watched the ferry come in it was really tranquil and gave me a chance to think about things. And I think I came to some good conclusions. I've realized that before recently I never let anybody past the walls I built up to protect me from getting hurt or being vulnerable. I think I'm really starting to appreciate those closest to me more now that I know they're not going to ditch me if I have some moments of weakness. It's really reassuring to be surrounded by people who I respect and admire. There's just one big hole missing. I'm not going to rush anything though. I really want to find somebody special. I finally think I understand exactly what love means and I'd like somebody amazing to share it with.

Today I slept in hardcore. And now I'm sitting at my computer feeling antzy again. I really wanna go swimming but nobody's online or anything so maybe I'll wait til Matt's home and drag him out.

Love you guys,

Jordan

Just Not Enough To Hang On

The sunset has faded before we ever had a chance to enjoy the light. What do you do when your best is not enough? It's like everything you put out was just washed away and you're left feeling so inadequate it pulls everything out all over again. If I had known it would have been for the last time, I would have kissed you a little longer just to remember it. One day I woke up and found that you had left me to stand here and pick up the pieces of myself that I put out for you. If you were confused then, you passed it so deftly on to me. I feel like I predicted this with the poem I wrote for you. You are the summer wind that so briefly brought happiness but now leaves me wondering what I could have done (if anything?) to make you choose me. But it's too late now. There's this wall in place of the effort it cost me to open myself up for something like this so soon.

this one is mine...

She Is The Wind

by J. P. Davies

Today she bends and squints her too-blue eyes
and guides boats across the harbour.
She slithers her fragile hand into mine
and dares me to wonder why.

I perch quietly, and knowingly slide my chin
slowly along her shoulder, kiss her neck.
Because today she will let me in
and tonight she'll come to bed.

When a new day comes she will dissapear
back into her world of glaring silences
to the places she has come to accept
as the purest stations of her life.

But in this tranquil night I watch her sleep,
in a sigh of fresh contentment
and wonder if she'll ever want to stay.
Will she ever need me too?

And in the morning when she leaves me
in the most beautiful of perfumes.
I'll lie back down and let a solitary tear
slide into the fabric of her pillow.

Because she is the wind,
that now blows across this ocean
and dances teasingly across my hands
before leaving me for brighter locales.

07/11/2006

Amazing for a grand total of about a week I was happier than I can remember being in a long time. But now there's just this space.

Giving Up

I know a girl
she puts the colour inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
where all of the walls all continually change

and I've done all I can
to stand on her steps with my heart in my hands

but now
I'm starting to see
maybe it's got nothing to do with me.


I finally get it.

"Hey, At Least You Didn't Get Somebody's Name"

So today I woke up and proceeded to invite Tasha out for consequetive meals depending on the time...I made it to lunch. "Breakfast" and "Brunch" are apparently non existant in some peoples vocabularies. So I went and picked her up and we headed to MGM for foodstuffs. I had my usual Eggs "Pope" but the Hash browns were just a mangled baked potato WTF? Tasha had her prerequisite French Toast and Bacon. After that we hit departure bay and Piper's lagoon for some Walk On The Ocean time. Went to Woodgrove so that Tash could sort out the $100 cancellation fee for her cell phone that she apparently shouldn't have to pay but apparently she cancelled her plan three days before her contract was up so they still made her pay the $100. shitty deal. So then I dropped her off @ home and headed home. Drove to harewood for some slurpee. Then headed home. So here I am sweltering in the heat and wondering if I would be flattered or scared if somebody got my name tattooed to them at random. I know how I feel about having the person you like get somebody else's now. Like I should just give the fuck up. Should I just give up? When you do that you don't just affect yourself you affect those around you too. I still can't believe it.

A is for age: 20
B is for Booze of choice: Jack & Coke
C is for career: Sound Technician
D is for your dog's name: Sweet!! I Have A Dog?
E is for what you use everyday: The Shower
F is for favorite song at the moment: Rooftops & Invitations - Dashboard Confessional
G is for favorite games: Mario 3
H is for hometown: New Westminster, BC
I is for instruments you play: Guitar, Saxophone, Some Drums, Voice
J is for jam or jelly you like: Tropical Triple Fruits
K is for Kids: No Babay, No babay, No babay...
L is for last kiss: Tasha
M is for most admired trait: confidence but not over-confidence
N is for the name of your crush: See L.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Once for Food Bourne Illness
P is for phobias: Being buried alive / trapped
Q is for quotes you like: "There is not one shred of evidence to support the theory that life is serious"
R is for biggest regret: 80's party. and not playing football after high school
S is for sweets of your choice: Powerbars?
T is for the time you wake up: 8:30-9
U is for underwear: Boxers
V is for vegetable you love: Tomatoes
W is for What the fuck happened to the question for W?
X is for x-rays you've had: Finger/Teeth
Y is for yummy food you make: everything I make is yummy
Z is for zodiac sign: Libra

So Far So Good

The fading of the selected letters is moving along quite nicely...

BEFORE...

NOW...

For Good, For Glory, Good Is ________

So yeah, I fucked up while checking the spelling on my tattoo. The last word has an extra "A" in it so technically the word has no meaning. So four hours after completion of my tat I find myself back in the chair getting a portion of two letters "mulched" so that the ink won't take. This hurts a hell of a lot more than the tatoo itself, exponentially so. So on August 21st I go back in to get it fixed. Lesson here kids, look very carefully and make sure all the words in your tattoo are spelled right. Otherwise you will end up with a bloody seeping wound in your body to go with your tattoo.


In other news my CD player in my car merely had a burnt out fuse so now I have tunes in the ride. sweetness. Oh and i was approved for a student loan of $10, 880.00 holy crap.

Waiting On The World To Change

So Jordan is officially mobile as of today. Went and put insurance on my car, and then picked up Tasha and headed up to Errington. Visited Ky for a bit, he was looking decidedly squirrelly and apparently was punched in both eyes by the Orthodontist. ;) Apres A-Frame, headed to Coombs where Tasha and I wandered around and ate grapes and played stickball and talked. it was nice. She was decidedly sexy today having a heart monitor strapped to her chest with lotsa wires sticking out. "Top Drawer!!" Yeah so drove back to Nanaimo while Tash slept in the passenger seat. Drpped her off at home, went to Canadian Tire and bought a rear-view mirror that actually works. Headed to my dad's place and used his heat gun and some goo-gone to scrape off the palm tree decals on my cars windows. They are no more. Installed my new mirror. I can see out the back now yay. Then headed home. All in all a pretty butt kicking day in general. I think i might go swimming. hmmm. Or maybe for a workout at mal. yeah that's more likely. Later y'all.

UPDATE: Went to the gym for a bit. My new rear-view doesn't want to stay on so I have to get more adhesive to try and make it work. Crap. Anyway, life is good. If a little confusing.

YAY!!!

Today I spent $100 and by doing so will see John Mayer in concert again. But this time from fucking FLOOR SEATS!! YEAH!!! September 22nd baby. I am so stoked.

If It Is Born In Flames Then We Should Let It Burn

I'm in a very strange place right now. All of my expectations and aspirations lately have flipped themselves around in strange ways. I should really stop setting myself up so much because when all of your plans fall through it's that much more dissapointing. I know I'm gonna be okay with this but it still sucks. Whatever, love is too complicated to try and make any sense of apparently so why the hell do I try. In other news I've started talking to Trish again which is nice. It's nice to have someone who knows you so well you don't have to explain your point of view to them they already understand. I'm pretty worried about one of my friends because they seem to be caught in the same sort of cycle of depression I was in a few years ago. I'm also concerned about another friend who is trying their best to help but is absolutely drowning in this and thats not really fair. It seems life has caught up to alot of people right now and everyone is fighting their way back to the surface. Ahhh the quarter-life crisis. Welcome to the suck.

Finish the sentence:
1. My ex is: one of the nicest people I know.
2. I am listening to: Death Cab For Cutie
3. Maybe I should: stop obsessing.
4. I love: to fall asleep so I can dream.
5. My bestfriend(s) is/are: Matt/Jay/Brennan/Ky
6. I don't understand: you.
7. I lost: my hope of this being easy.
8. People say: the dumbest things.
9. The meaning of my screen name: "She Just Might Get You Lost. And She Just Might Leave You Torn. But She Just Might Save Your Soul" Lyrics from the new Dashboard Confessional album, pretty much sums things up right now.
10. Love is: "what I got, said remember that" - Sublime
11. Somewhere, someone is: trying desperately to be strong
12. I will always try to be: the bigger man
13. Forever seems: "to be around when things begin, but never around when things end" - Ben Harper
14. I never want to: forget how you look when you sleep
15. My cell phone: has a better ringtone than Barbara's
16. When I wake up in the morning, I: wish I didn't have to get up
17. I get annoyed: when people don't respect themselves
18. Parties are: a certain way to make me feel alone in my own head
19. My Dog is: waiting for me in the future
20. Kisses are the best when: in the middle of a sentence
21. Today I might: just veg out alone
23. Tomorrow I will: work a closing shift
24. I really want: what I can't have
25. I am: alienated

Kinda Drunk...

So forgive in advance any spelling mistakes. Today I worked a closing shift and then went and got free beer at this party that Lucid records and clothing was throwing for Vice magazine...me and matt got pretty drunk all said. I'm seriously questioning the maturity of some people in my life right now. It's like they are looking through a tinted mirror that distorts everything into a shape they can accept. I'm really understanding the meaning of freindship more lately and how some people misconstrue the people they hang out with as their friends. A friend is someone understanding and accepting no matter what. A friend is somebody who will listen and care no matter what is going on otherwise. I have evaluated my "friends" and I know who will be there for me through thick and thin. Remember, a friend is someone who will always build you up. A true friend will never yell at you, or tell you that you're decisions are wrong. A true friend may ADVISE you when they think your course of action is precarious but they will never try to forcibly steer you in any direction. I think in any relationship there must be true friendship first and friendships (as well as relationships) must be free of judgement and full of support. I suggest you look hard at who you consider to be your friends and ask yourself if they truly deserve to have you as a friend. Are they fiercely loyal and would they be willing to support you no matter what you have done? If not these are not your friends; These are people paying lip service to you to fulfill some alterior motive. Your friends will accept you and everything that comes along with you including those who you chose to be close with. Do not blind yourselves with the past but take a cold hard look at the present and ask yourself "is this where I wish I could be?" if not....change your life. You have the control.

Lacks The Initiative...

to write lengthy blogs. So I'm stuck in summary mode. The biggest news in my life right now is that I have purchased a car!! I am the proud owner of an orange automatic 1988 Honda Accord. I take possesion next Friday when my next paycheck comes in. I am seriously stoked. I took it on a test drive around Nanaimo with Jared, dropped in to see Geoff, dropped by Tasha's but she wasn't home. Took it for a burn on the highway. For a car with this many clicks it absolutelly purrs :) Lucky for me the owner before the person I'm buying it off of was a mechanic, who rebuilt the engine about a year ago. I went to Trish's 18th b-day later that night and didn't drink anything, very proud of myself. Had good chats with Alleah and with Trish about the stuff that's going on in my personal life and it helped alot to hear that I'm not crazy lol. Trish just told me not to let these difficulties destroy the improvements I've made to myself since we split up. I'm not going to let that happen. The new improved actually giving a shit about other people Jordan is here to stay. I just don 't want my new found nature to mean I get taken advantage of.

Well that's all you're getting out of me today. Much love.

Listening To: Making Enemies - Snow Patrol

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So This Is The Part Where We Start Over

So due to some talking with friends, about equal amounts of whom were representing each side of the argument, I decided to forgive. I think so far this has been the right decision. I am really enjoying the time we spend together and I would really have missed out if I had severed all contact as I was almost rash to do. It's like one of my favourite sayings goes, "In every decision you make in your life you have but two choices. You can choose hate; or you can choose love. I choose love." I will not choose hate, this has been my goal for the past few months or so, and I think it's really working out for the best. Even when certain people are quick to hate me for extremelly immature reasons. I can still chose not to hate them in return. Lyric time, "I believe that my life's gonna see/ the love I give returned to me." I really wish certain of these people would try to be less petty about this whole thing. I know there are feelings involved on all sides and I repect that but to hate me for liking someone and treating them well is just crazy. I have done nothing to earn such animosity. And to not believe her when she tells you she hasn't done something (which she hasn't) is just a perfect example of a lack of trust. Just think this stuff has to be said. I'm really happy with the way things are right now, and if that should change I will adapt but right now I'm doing the best I can for her and for me.

What It Is To Burn...

ARRRRGGHHHHHH!!! How the fuck could you do that to me? Goddamnit I just don't understand why someone else had to tell me. Why couldn't you do it? Made a fool outta me again. Last chance, hero. You made your choice now stick with it. i'm nobody's bitch and you just threw away something good for what was easy. Congrats. I hope you got what you wanted out of me. Shame on me for thinking we might have something. You are obviously too scared of something actually working out for the better. I hope you enjoy your life of monotony and angst.

"So Are You Guys Dating?"...."Well I think I'm Dating Her. But I'm Not Sure If She's Dating Me"

hahaha I love my conversations with Matt. So anyway. Did sound for the indie show last night which was a rockin' good time. Happy Canada Day everbody. I sadly have to work a closing shift tonight...boourns. But I hope everyone else has a good time celebrating the amazing country in which we live.