In The Middle

I am letting go of all of this. I let things get way out of hand and said some things I really didn't mean over the last little while. It's amazing what you will say to someone in a text message or on MSN that you would never be able to say to their face. There is no emotion in a text based arena. You're throwing punches at a wall and getting nothing but broken fingers in return. I'm sorry for the things I've said. There's no excuse for being so abrasive.

In other news Devin officially DJed the entire night tonight at 70 below and kicked fucking ass. The dance floor was packed all night long. The people were rallying to the sound of a new DJ force in town. I'm so proud of you dude. That's how to take your opportunity and own it.

You Lie And They Lie Back, You Tell The Truth...They Don't Believe You

I am self-centered
I am a liar
I am a braggart
I am a cheater
I am a bad son
I am a lazy person
I am what you hate
I am in denial
I take liberties with people
I have a large inflated ego
I have too much to say about my own accomplshments
I am afraid of what you think about me
I am afraid I am not good enough for you
I lie about my past to seem cooler
I really don't care
I am living for myself
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I am trying to change
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I am loyal
I am thoughtful
I am generous
I am hard-working
I am driven
I am charismatic
I am a good leader
I am trustworthy
I am philosophical
I am reliable
I am solid
I am dependable
I am responsible
I am afraid to ruin your good opinion of me
I will push myself to the limit to succeed

Take your pick. We all have these two sides. Good/Bad. We all have them and we pick and we choose from both sides. I know my faults. My faults can also be my strengths. My faults have kept me from hurt and heartache and having to feel inadequate. I am inadequate. I am ready to admit my mistakes, but I am also willing to admit my successes. I will not crumble. I will not break. Your opinion of me does matter and I would like to make it a positive one. Those of you who like me, what am I? Those of you who don't, what am I? Challenge: Tell me something that I don't know about myself.

This my friends is perception. And perception is all we have in the world. So when you look at me what do you choose to see? List A, or List B? Could you forgive the A? Could you live without the B? Could you take a look at all of me and forgive me for my faults and let me help you with my strengths? Because if you want a relationship. A real relationship. You have got to take those faults and find in them the weakness that could be strength. You have to fill in the gaps that your loved one cannot fill themselves. This is why we have friends. This is why we have family. This is why we have significant others. We are looking to find the people who will take our weaknesses and turn them into strengths. So I say, don't take the person who is insecure and ostracize them. Instead why don't you try for even a moment to make them feel secure. If you succeed. You won't even need to see the faults because they will never be shown to you. Make them feel secure and you will have found someone to die for you, someone to come talk to you at 4 am when you've had a hard day. Give people a reason to be your friend. If I am an asshole in your books, you do not make me feel secure. If I am your loyal compatriate who you admire, you have filled in the gaps inside me. So thank you those who are even now filling in the gaps. My insecurity is fading and list A is growing shorter. If you haven't noticed by now, maybe you're listening to the wrong people.

Well That Was Interesting

Woah Drama. Wow I found myself in all kinds of it last night. Weird. Gonna try and keep my head clear for the next little while, that was rediculous. I've found things can escalate while you are away from them and then they come back to you and they've been built up and blown way out of proportion. The situation now bears no resemblance to the one which gave it birth and all you have left is damage control. It must be some piece of the human perogative to give things more weight than they sctually deserve. maybe we all need to take a step back from what our mind is saying sometimes and wonder if that information is reliable or simply a creation of our own imaginations. Yeah, some stuff happened and some stuff got blown up, but in the grand scheme of things were those issues so important as to merit those over-the-top reactions? I really don't think so. I lost alot of respect for one of my friends last night. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him for what he did. I know that there are pains and jealousies that can often times cloud our vision but there comes a time when you have to make the decision between following your first impulse and checking your self to do what is right. One of my friends checked himself last night, one did not. I have gained respect for one and lost it for another. The onus of control cannot be passed off on the substance. You are responsible for your actions no matter your condition. I connected with somebody last night that I had wanted to for quite some time. I don't know if anything will come of it, that's not what I did it for. I just don't want to ask myself "What if?". So therefore things had to be said that needed out. I'm not holding out for anything other than a friend. But having her as a closer friend would be better than never saying anything. I'm not holding out for anything. I have no unrealistic expectations. I just want to bring some sun back into my life, and I think she might be able to help. Maybe help me shed some of the darkness I've been living in. It made me happy to think of the future and not see a hole that needs filling but rather a space that says "Who knows?" Tomorrow will be ever different from today and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thanks for making me smile kiddo.

The Rules

1. No Cannibus
2. Only one or two drinks per evening, buzzed is okay but piss-tanked is out
3. Do something productive everyday
4. Don't let anyone else run your life, you are the Captain of this ship
5. Don't let what is easy interfere with what is right.
6. Find the people you can trust and keep them close to you
7. Maintain a relationship with your family, don't let them be taken for granted
8. Find a moment everyday to be still and think about the direction your life is taking
9. Look for the beauty in others that you may not see at first glance. Don't be overly judgemental.
10. Laugh, Laugh, Laugh
11. Remind yourself to be "Positive and Flexible"
12. Every weekend, clean your room and do chores around the house
13. Recognize that your state of mind is changeable, don't get caught up in negative thinking.

These are the rules for only one person. Me. They may not be your rules, they aren't designed to be. I am going to be sucessful, dynamic, and I want to shine. I'm building myself a ladder, and I'm starting to climb.

The Mean Little Center Of The Universe

Can't stop this, it's pervading and antagonizing.
Underneath my skin sinks every drop of dissapointment
and I'll wait, and wait, and wait, every second feels like less
and the water falls again and reminds me why it rains
so that even that which may seem dead,
will one day live again.